Chapter 13

Searching

“Searching through the city's canyons where

 life's an endless stream. Searching through

 the open country for some elusive dream.

 Searching every window of my mind for a

clearer view, Oh what am I searching for?

 I wish I knew. ” - Bone & Fenton

From the moment of separation on, throughout our lives, we are searching. Moms are looking for their lost child and even as babies adoptees are looking for their mom... We may not be aware of it but we are doing it.

“Searching through the night, searching for a light. What my future holds I cannot say.
 Faces dance and stare, for someone who'll care. Someone who will guide me on my way.”

From the beginning, the mother child relationship is a perfect one. Nature insures that the mother and child are in sync with each other and need each other. Mother and child are a unit that nature created to be inseparable. Once the separation occurs, we (moms and adoptees) are looking for the perfect ...

“Searching in this frantic world for a love to call my own, Crossing many bridges leading to towns that are unknown,
Standing in the wings of life's drama waiting for my cue, Oh what am I searching for? I wish I knew.”

We are driving and listening to music and we get the urge to check out another station because the music might be better. We are watching a show on television and start flipping channels for something better. We are in a relationship and are reluctant to make a commitment because someone more suitable may be there, somewhere. We get invited to a party but wait until the very last minute to commit because something better may come along. These thoughts of something better are usually unconscious, at least until we are aware of them, then we can start to make note of how often and in what ways this process affects us.

“Hopefully I try, reaching for the sky, Questions flash like mirrors in the sun,
 What scene must I make? Shall I give or take? What's the final score when all is done?”

What it all boils down to is, I believe, the unconscious desire to reconnect with the perfect other that was denied us at the beginning. Our body and our mind want to continue nature’s process and we are usually unaware of it.

“Searching through the waves of loneliness on an empty shore. Searching for familiar footprints, I've known and loved before.
Hurry now my love and find me and tell me if it's true, that what I've been searching for, always was you!”

What can we do about this? We need to realize that we can’t go back and get what we missed. We can only go on from here. There is no perfect mommy now, no perfect child now. If we are lucky enough to have a reunion we can, with work, have something wonderful but it won’t, cannot make up for what was lost. Our job is to accept this sad fact, grieve what we lost and cannot have back, express our anger about it and then explain this to IC and help IC cry and express all her feelings. When IC fully understands that there is no do-over, no going back, we can stop searching for our fantasy. We can learn to live in the now and even make commitments.

To Summarize

∙          We need to stop searching for what we lost.

∙          To do that, we must find a way to grieve everything we have lost.

Exercise

∙          Close your eyes and talk to your committee. Explain to them that it is very sad that they lost their “other” and that you know they want back what they lost. Tell them that by letting you help them they can reduce their pain a lot and be able to stop looking for a way to fix the past. Tell them that you are the perfect to help them to heal their very painful loss and stop having disappointments with their lives.

Experience of the Moment

∙          You might be confused and feelings anxiety. You and/or your IC may not like what I have written. I wish we could recapture the perfection of that mother child relationship that we lost, but the fact is that we cannot and we have to accept that. Journal your feelings about this disappointment.