"We
can
spend our whole lives escaping from
the monsters of our minds" -
Pema
Chödrön
Last
century, at my very first adoption
support group meeting, the 1st thing I learned about
was gratitude.
I was so terrified
before I went to that
meeting that I literally hid in a doorway across the
street and waited for
someone who looked "safe."A
pleasant looking woman approached the entrance so I
quickly crossed the street
and walked in behind her.It turned
out
that she was, as far as I know, the first natural mom
with whom I ever spoke.
The meeting began as
the feisty group
leader stood up, introduced herself and started by
asking us to raise our hands
if we were grateful. More than half of us put our
hands up and the leader said,
"why? Why should any of us adoptees be grateful?" A
few spoke up
saying they owed it to their adoptive parents for
taking them in. A few said
they were grateful for being adopted. Most were
silent.The
leader suggested that we owe nothing for
being raised. It was the obligation of our adoptive
parents to raise us, give
us everything they possibly could to ensure that we
were healthy, safe, well
fed, clothed, educated, etc.
She said that all
children deserved
these things and that parents owed it to their
children. Some parents may not
be able to give it but they do owe it. It is one of
the obligations of
parenting.In
fact, she went on, our
adoptive parents should be grateful to us for giving
them the chance to raise a
child.
Gratitude feeds the
belief that we
should be people pleasers.Gratitude
keeps us subservient to others and keeps us enslaved.
How do we change our
built in belief to
be grateful?
Well, first we need to
believe
intellectually that gratitude is not appropriate.
Being appreciative for our
parents going above and beyond the basics is
appropriate, but gratitude is not.
Second, we need to tell our inner child that she does
not need to be grateful
and that she will not be punished if she is not
grateful. We need to keep
telling her this until she believes it 100%. Third, we
need to throw the word
out.
Put the "G" word with
Special,
Chosen and Lucky and with the "R" Word, Rejection.
They all belong in the
trash can.
Now enjoy the
freedom from the need for
gratitude.