It made me think of how I was able to find a way to truly fit in.

First, I had to stop thinking of myself as non-human. Just because I had a very different life experience than most people does not mean I am an alien.
Just because people do not understand me, does not  mean I am a fake. I did a lot of logical thinking and then explained this to my inner child.

As a child, I was put in the wrong movie immediately after my birth. No clue as to the plot or what had transpired before I was in the scene. I had to find a way to adapt to the script laid out by others. As an adult, I was able to see I had choices. Without being in touch with my inner most feelings, I could never know who I truly was or what I truly wanted to do with my life.

So, I went on my mourning journey. I had to cry about everything I had lost. My mother, my relationship with my mother and the special moments I would have had with her. I had to cry about my lost heritage, losing my clan. I had to give up and mourn the magical thinking that one day the nightmare would end and I would be able to start over with my own mother. I had to cry, soul cry actually, until I didn’t need to cry anymore. I needed to do this crying with others who understood and who could give me words of comfort, words no one gave me as a child. Crying until one doesn’t need to anymore does not mean there is no sadness... it means that the sadness is no long a problem. It’s in its proper place with my other life experiences

I had to learn healthy ways of expressing my rage about all that I had grieved for, all that I had lost.  I had to express my anger until I didn’t need to express it anymore. Expressing anger until one doesn’t need to anymore does not mean there is no anger... it means that the anger is no long a problem. It’s in its proper place with my other life experiences.

When all this grieving and anger was all dealt with, I could start to let people in, start to feel connected. To do that I had to realize that I could not be abandoned so that even if I let someone in and they left, it would be sad but not an abandonment. The inner child work that allowed me to do this allowed me to feel connected to people which allowed me to start to feel connected to the world, to the human race. When I found out through DNA testing that my natural mother was part Asian, I immediately started to learn and speak Korean and Mandarin, even sign my name in both languages. This gave me a connection to my past, the only truth I know about my beginnings and was the final piece I needed to truly fit in. To belong here on earth with others.

By doing this grieving, ranting along with the necessary inner child work, I was finally able to enjoy holidays and even my birthday. I came to believe that my mother is with me all the time. I was part of her body and still am and she is part of my body and therefore part of my life. All of this brings me joy, peace and contentment. Finally I feel whole and at one with life.

During this process, I realized that to appreciate what we do have, we need to grieve what we do not have. This will allow us to enjoy Holidays, Birthdays and other events that we now avoid!
 

One other thing. I came to realize that my strength to face my demons is genetic. The strength to do this work is genetic, our looks, our intelligence, our talents are genetic. All of these blessings are from our natural family. I became proud of my genes and that too, is part of the healing process and part of fitting in.

Finally, I have come to know that given the horror of losing my mother at birth, an unchangeable fact, I cannot imagine doing anything else with my life than I’ve been doing. I’d change the hand I was dealt at the beginning, but I’d not change how I’m playing it!

This process really works if you work it.

I pray you do.