Good Grief: Making Sense Out of Suffering

Joe Soll 조 살, LCSW, Psychotherapist, Author of "Adoption Healing... a path to recovery" (1 for moms, 1 for adoptees, 1 for both),  
                           Co-author of "Evil Exchange" and "Fatal Flight"

Good Grief!  Making Sense Out of Suffering

The first two words, “Good Grief “ can express many things including, surprise, horror and sadness. Our sadness, the loss of what to me is a sacred relationship, is rarely dealt with in a way that will promote healing.

The last four words may cause you to sit up and say, “What? Suffering makes sense?”

Let’s explore a bit...

How can we make sense of it? By understanding the causes of the suffering and resolving it.

Resolution means accepting the reality of what happened. We need to recognize how bad our trauma was and do our healing work so that we are not in pain all the time. We must accept our trauma as being as bad as it was, without downplaying it in any way.

In the beginning, when mother and child were separated, each of us experienced the death of the person from whom we were separated. There is no difference in the experience of losing a mother or child to death or adoption. Baby is here, baby is gone. Mommy is here, mommy is gone. We experience that death but what is different is how we would be treated if there is a death as opposed to adoption.

If there is a real death, presumably those close to us will say, “I’m sorry your baby died when she was born, you must be sad, let me comfort you”, or “I’m sorry your mother died when you were born, you must be sad, let me comfort you.” That encourages good grieving of the tragic loss that society acknowledges.

Every mother of adoption loss that I have ever met was told, one way or the other that she did the noble, selfless, loving thing and to go on with her life making believe it did not happen. Every adoptee I have ever met was told in some way that she or he was Special, Chosen or Lucky (which means they are lucky their mother died for them) and to make believe it didn’t happen. These scenarios deny loss and deny the need to grieve. If our loss is denied, to survive the pain, we have to hide from it thru denial or repression.

If one has a tooth ache and applies a topical anesthetic to relieve the pain, the decay that causes the toothache continues unnoticed. If we are not allowed to grieve our losses the hidden pain causes emotional decay. The fact is that un-grieved losses paralyze lives. Moreover, the subsequent death of any loved one is unlikely to be grieved in any meaningful way as the fear of the pain of the un-grieved adoption loss is likely to inhibit true grieving.

If we are afraid of the pain of our loss, we are not free, we are enslaved by the emotions of adoption. To be truly happy, have peace and contentment, we must find a way to grieve our adoption losses.

Good Grief of the healing kind involves letting the pain out with those who have experienced the same losses. We need to have validation from those who understand. We need to grieve the loss of the person, the relationship with that person and the special moments we would have had. It is not easy to grieve a relationship that we did not experience but it is possible and necessary. We need to cry until we do not need to cry any more. This does not take a long time at all and the relief is incredible. We discover a new way of life. It’s called Living and that means living without fear of our own emotions

We may think, as I used to, that if we start to cry that we will be unable to stop but the fact is that we will be able to stop. We may think, as I used to, that if we start to cry our pain will kill us, that we will be annihilated, but the fact is that we will not perish.

I used to think the above thoughts until I tried, a little at a time, to let the pain out in a way that was safe for me. When I discovered that I would not cry forever or perish, I became unafraid of my pain. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt, but once unafraid, I could let it out so that I could my grieving.

Does this way of dealing with the suffering make sense? I sincerely hope so! Because if it does and you try it, you will discover, as I did, that the injuries caused by separation of mother and child can, in time and with work, be dealt with effectively to the point where the loss will not interfere daily in our lives. Instead, the pain might rear it's head a few times a year. We may need to cry--get a hug and perhaps vent our anger--but the pain will pass more quickly each time.

Anais Nin said, "And the day came when the risk to remain closed in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

Freedom involves Good Grieving. Together we can do this. Good Grief! What a concept.