Joe Soll 조 살,
LCSW, Psychotherapist, Author of "Adoption Healing... a
path to recovery" (1 for moms, 1 for adoptees, 1 for
both),
Co-author of "Evil Exchange" and "Fatal Flight"
Good Grief! Making Sense Out of Suffering
The first two words, “Good Grief “ can express many things
including, surprise, horror and sadness. Our sadness, the
loss of what to me is a sacred relationship, is rarely
dealt with in a way that will promote healing.
The last four words may cause you to sit up and say,
“What? Suffering makes sense?”
Let’s explore a bit...
How can we make sense of it? By understanding the causes
of the suffering and resolving it.
Resolution means accepting the reality
of what happened. We need to recognize how bad our trauma
was and do our healing work so that we are not in pain all
the time. We must accept our trauma as being as bad as it
was, without downplaying it in any way.
In the beginning, when mother and child
were separated, each of us experienced the death of the
person from whom we were separated. There is no difference
in the experience of losing a mother or child to death or
adoption. Baby is here, baby is gone. Mommy is here, mommy
is gone. We experience that death but what is different is how we would be treated if there
is a death as opposed to adoption.
If there is a real death, presumably
those close to us will say, “I’m sorry your baby died when
she was born, you must be sad, let me comfort you”, or
“I’m sorry your mother died when you were born, you must
be sad, let me comfort you.” That encourages good grieving
of the tragic loss that society acknowledges.
Every mother of adoption loss that I have ever met was
told, one way or the other that she did the noble,
selfless, loving thing and to go on with her life making
believe it did not happen. Every adoptee I have ever met
was told in some way that she or he was Special, Chosen or
Lucky (which means they are lucky their mother died for
them) and to make believe it didn’t happen. These
scenarios deny loss and deny the need to grieve. If our
loss is denied, to survive the pain, we have to hide from
it thru denial or repression.
If one has a tooth ache and applies a topical anesthetic
to relieve the pain, the decay that causes the toothache
continues unnoticed. If we are not allowed to grieve our
losses the hidden pain causes emotional decay. The fact is that un-grieved losses
paralyze lives. Moreover, the subsequent death of any
loved one is unlikely to be grieved in any meaningful way
as the fear of the pain of the un-grieved adoption loss is
likely to inhibit true grieving.
If we are afraid of the pain of our loss, we are not free,
we are enslaved by the emotions of adoption. To be truly
happy, have peace and contentment, we must find a way to
grieve our adoption losses.
Good Grief of the healing kind involves
letting the pain out with those who have experienced the
same losses. We need to have validation from those who
understand. We need to grieve the loss of the person, the
relationship with that person and the special moments we
would have had. It is not easy to grieve a relationship
that we did not experience but it is possible and
necessary. We need to cry until we do not need to cry any
more. This does not take a long time at all and the relief
is incredible. We discover a new way of life. It’s called
Living
and that means living without fear of our own emotions
We may think, as I used to, that if we start to cry that
we will be unable to stop but the fact is that we will
be able to stop. We may think, as I used to, that if we
start to cry our pain will kill us, that we will be
annihilated, but the fact is that we will not
perish.
I used to think the above
thoughts until I tried, a little at a time, to let the
pain out in a way that was safe for me. When I discovered
that I would not cry forever or perish, I became unafraid
of my pain. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt, but once
unafraid, I could let it out so that I could my grieving.
Does this way of dealing with the
suffering make sense? I sincerely hope so! Because if it
does and you try it, you will discover, as I did, that the
injuries caused by separation of mother and child can, in
time and with work, be dealt with effectively to the point
where the loss will not interfere daily in our lives.
Instead, the pain might rear it's head a few times a year.
We may need to cry--get a hug and perhaps vent our
anger--but the pain will pass more quickly each time.
Anais Nin said, "And the day came when the risk to remain
closed in a bud became more painful than the risk it took
to blossom"
Freedom involves Good Grieving.
Together we can do this.
Good Grief! What a concept.