“They won't listen.
Do you know why? Because they have certain fixed
notions about the past. Any change would be blasphemy
in their
eyes, even if it were the truth. They don't want the
truth; they want
their traditions.” -
Isaac Asimov
When I graduated from
shrink school in 1990, I wrote letters to all the
graduate schools in the New York Metro area suggesting
that adoption issues need to be taught to all students
as a core course or at least as an elective.
I received no responses at all. I went to the Dean of my
school and asked her about my teaching such a course.
She hemmed and hawed, avoiding my eyes. I pressed
and she finally told me that there were a lot of
trustees and faculty who were adoptive parents and if
such a course were taught it would mean there was
something wrong with adoption and the adoptive parent
trustees would stop helping the university with their
funding efforts. To my knowledge no university in
the U.S. or Canada teaches adoption issues yet, here in
the U.S., adoptees, adoptive parents, natural parents
and all four sets of Grandparents comprise about 100
million people which is about 30% of our population. And
this figure does not take into account any
siblings. The societal hype trumps the truth.
Adoption is glorified in
the media. To say anything negative about adoption is
looked at as subversive, anti-societal. Those
adoptees and moms who are still in denial, and I think
they are in the majority, praise adoption, talk about
how wonderful it is. Their voices are the ones
most heard and promote the societal belief that adoption
is wonderful and causes no trauma, no pain.
I think there is
something else that keeps so many of us who have
suffered adoption loss in denial.
A few years ago, I had an
AHA moment.I
had just arrived at the local mall when an ambulette
pulled in. A dozen or so children got out, all palsied,
all in wheel chairs. I took one look and I wanted to
run. Inside myself I felt panic, said my anti-panic
affirmation, did NOT run, walked inside the mall and
took a seat to reflect. Why did I want to run?The answer
from within was clear. I could not and did not want to
imagine what it would be like to be one of those
children.
The thought was
terrifying but revealing. Maybe this is the reason so
many of us are in denial. The truth of what happened to
us is too terrifying to contemplate.Maybe this is
the reason other people don't want to listen to us.
Perhaps they cannot, don't want to imagine what it's
like to have suffered our loss.
When one of us who are
aware speaks out, we are looked at as a bit off, an
anomaly. I was once on a Sally Jesse Raphael Show
and another one of the guests was a social worker who
said, “Any adoptee who searches is mentally ill!”
I was appalled and tried to argue the point but Sally
loved what the social worker said and shut me down.
When we can talk in
numbers, when enough of us can find a way to speak out
in ways that other people will listen to, we can make a
difference. If each of us wrote letters to the
editor to our local newspapers on a regular basis, if
each of us contacted our local legislators and told them
our stories, if each of us told everyone we come in
contact with our truth, things would eventually be
different.
What does it take for us
to speak out?
We may be terrified of
the exposure, the shame of being adopted, or the shame
of being a mother who lost a child to adoption. If
we are afraid and do some inner child work and/or
discuss this in our support groups, we can learn that
there is nothing wrong with us. In fact, we can learn to
be proud that we are strong enough to speak out, that no
one can hurt us unless we let them. We can learn that it
IS safe to speak out, to tell our truth.
What can we gain
individually by speaking out?
Each time we tell our
story, we are healing a bit more.
Each time we tell our
story and nothing bad happens to us, we are proving to
our inner core that it’s safe to do so and we are
getting in touch with more of our core strength, the
strength that helped us survive our trauma.
Each time we tell our
story we are on the way to being proud because, in
doing so, we are facing our demons and only the bravest
of the brave face their demons.
Each time we tell our
story we are educating someone who might turn around and
educate someone else.
Each time we tell our
story to another person who suffered adoption trauma, we
are giving them a gift that, if they unwrap it, may help
them begin their healing journey.
Each time we tell our
story we are, hopefully doing something that may help
others join our efforts to make societal change.
In the words of Margaret
Mead, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful,
committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is
the only thing that ever has.”
One thing is for sure. If
we do not speak out, if we do not try, nothing will ever
change.