The difficulties of the adoptee begin with the crisis faced by a resourceless pregnant woman, on the one hand, and the adoptive parents, on the other. Both sets of parents experience emotional trauma along with the decision to surrender/adopt, focusing in particular on unresolved problems that will continue to impact their lives and the life of the adoptee.

The importance of the adoptive parents' psychological state on the adoptee's development is easy to understand, since they are the ones who actually parent the child. It may be harder to appreciate the impact of the first mother's unresolved emotional problems because it is usually assumed that she will have no further contact with the child. Her experience needs to be understood for a number of reasons, however. First is the simple concern for her as a human being. Secondly, much of the dishonesty surrounding adoption in the United States begins with the dismissal of her reality (and the misrepresentation of the realities of adoption to potential adoptive parents). Moreover, it is the firm belief of the author that an eventual reunion between the adoptee and first mother is a major step in healing the wounds of surrender/adoption, and the first mother's unresolved issues will certainly affect her ability to respond constructively to the adoptee at that point.

The ghosts of the birthparents are the images and thoughts of the birthparents that are held in the minds of all those in the adoptive home.

Finally, even if their paths never cross, the ghosts of the birthparents are always present in the adoptive family, and the ghosts of the child and the adoptive parents are always present in the birth family. These ghosts affect the lives of all concerned.

∙ Birthparents soon forget the child they gave birth to and go on with their lives.

∙ Most people surrender a child to adoption because they lack the resources to do otherwise.

∙ Birthparents care forever and have great difficulty going on with their lives.

In the beginning... there were a woman and a man who had a relationship including sex. When a pregnancy resulted, all their resources told them that if they really loved their baby, they should surrender her to adoption so she could have a better life. It would be unusual, even today, for someone to suggest that keeping the child might be best for them and their child. (Birthparent is a term used to described a parent who has surrendered a child to adoption, not someone who is pregnant.)

There is a couple who for years have been trying to have a baby and cannot. They suffer enormous pain and many indignities going through different procedures to “cure” their infertility. They may be advised to “adopt a baby and solve their problem that way.” It would be unusual, even today, for someone to suggest that adopting a baby will not cure their infertility.

“...to give moral support to the ordinary good mother, educated or uneducated, clever or limited, rich or poor, and to protect her from everyone and everything that gets between her baby and herself.” – Home is Where We Start From – DW Winnicott

The pregnant woman and her partner are led to believe it is best for all concerned to surrender the baby to adoption. They are made to feel that they would be inadequate at best as parents, and incapable of giving the baby what she needs. The infertile couple are led to believe that they will be doing the baby and her parents a favor by “rescuing” her into their family.

For someone to be incapable of creating a child is an enormous wound to one’s self. If one is going to adopt a child, attention should be paid to the wound of childlessness before embarking on alternative methods of parenting. Adoption is not a cure for infertility nor is it a way of erasing the sorrow and loss of self-esteem in not being able to reproduce. To parent well, one must fully deal with and mourn the loss of fertility. One must also recognize that raising an adopted child is not the same as raising a birth child and that an adoptive family is not the same as a birth family.

Both the pregnant couple and the prospective adoptive parents need to be informed that adoption is a life-long process and that all those involved will have pain associated with the adoption. All involved need to be fully informed about the consequences on both sets of parents, but most important, on the effects of the loss of the mother-child relationship on the child. Adoption must be about the best interest of the child.

The adoptive parents must be aware that adoptive parenting is different and that adopted children have unique needs that must be met. The new parents must be aware that openness and honesty are of paramount importance in any family and that the adopted child must be dealt with truthfully. It is important to bear in mind that the ghosts of the birthparents will reside in the adoptive home and the ghosts of the adoptive parents and the baby will reside in the birthparents’ homes. These ghosts affect the lives of all concerned. All involved are best served by having frequent communication and visitation between all parties to the adoption.

As you continue to read this book, I hope you will see that whenever possible, babies should remain within their family of origin or their extended family, and that the separation of a child from her original family is always detrimental to both. Yet, sadly, there will always be children who cannot be parented by their birth family members and it is my hope that these pages will help change the way adoptees are raised so that their lives are made easier and less painful along the way.

∙ Everyone involved in an adoption must understand completely the consequences of their decisions.

∙ A woman cannot completely mourn the loss of her child to adoption. The pain will always be there.

∙ Close your eyes and try to imagine what it would be like if your newborn baby was kidnapped while you were shopping. The loss of a child to adoption is no less painful or tragic.

∙ You might be experiencing some tightness in your chest or some anxiety or pain. You might be feeling something undefinable. The emotions attached to our adoption experience are among the most powerful in human experience and need to be respected. It’s okay to feel these things. Look around you. Reassure yourself that nothing is happening now. Say aloud in your head, “Nothing is happening now; I know it feels like it, but we are okay!” Memorize this because this is one of the most common and powerful of the healing affirmations that you will be learning as you progress on your journey. [What you just did was inner child work and what you said out loud in your head was an anti-anxiety affirmation.] Try to write down your feelings and thoughts in your journal.